News agency reuters received reports yesterday of a sighting of God’s bum on the top-deck of a routemaster bus. The Bum was seen on the body of legal secretary, Amanda Jeffries who, on God’s orders, was dressed in a tight cream skirt. A passenger on the bus, Kevin Banks, said the sighting had ‘profoundly affected him.’ He said, ‘My head was in a world of public transport misery – and then… I saw it, and… and I knew that God had reconciled Himself to the world’.
Benoit du Pamplemouse, lecturer in philosophy at LSE, was stunned by the news. ‘Theists have spoken for years about the Godhead but have always neglected to mention the Godbum.’
Pamplemouse said that at first he doubted that God could reveal Himself as a pair of buttocks; ‘but then I thought, if he could speak through a humble carpenter in Nazareth, why not an equally humble pair of buttocks on the number 8 to Bethnal Green?’ He went to say that he believed that God’s bum was a spiritual entity but also had its manifested version in physical reality. ‘In that sense, Jeffries is seen as a “host.”’
The bus driver, Sergei Flanov, admitted he had been distracted as Jeffries exited the bus, tearfully describing the bum as ‘outrageous, just… (long pause) wonderful.’ Flanov said that the bum had spoken to him, ‘in a language older than words.’ When pressed he reverently whispered, ‘perhaps everything is God’s bum?’
WOMAN LOSES SENSE OF HUMOUR
A woman briefly lost her sense of humour this morn- ing while shopping with her boyfriend. She responded to his light-hearted raillery with a ‘stiff distracted smile,’ observers noted, but cheered up after he did a little moonwalk.
TRIANGLES FEEL PAIN
Experts working at the University of Reading have discovered that triangles are, to a significant extent, self-aware. Ken Dark, professor of neuroscience, said there was also evidence to suggest that thumbs enjoy praise and should be regularly thanked.
MAN REGRETS FACIAL EXPRESSION AS IT HAPPENS
Johnny Hunt yesterday found his face expressing an inner reality which he deeply regretted having felt and, worse, having expressed to the woman he was with, Helen Travers. The expression, a tiny wince around the eyes combined with a tense micro-pout of the lower-lip expressed unmistakable distaste at having to sit through a conversation with Travers, a girl he was hoping to have sex with at some point in the future. It popped out during an unguarded moment as they sat down to have a routine lunchtime coffee together. He knew she’d picked up on it, he knew that it basically announced that he was faking their entire relationship and he knew that everything which happened from now on between them would either be an agonising performance or outright hostility.
Travers later said that the expression came as something of a surprise to her, but that in the end ‘she expected it of someone like that,’ and ‘she never really liked that Johnny Hunt anyway.’ As she told this to Belly Up! the upbeat manic quality of professional enthusiasm she habitually spreads upon her features slipped off a moment revealing the outline of a tense, bored, sneering fiendess, although Travers appeared quite comfortable with this.
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