breaking übernews An enormous asteroid is set to hit the planet Earth in less than 24 months, experts revealed today.
The asteroid — named ‘Happy’ by the amateur astronomer who discovered it, Hap E. Vek — will probably strike Pease Pottage at around 8:08 pm, although its precise touchdown is academic given that, within a few minutes of impact, everyone will be dead.
The announcement was made in the early hours of the morning by David Seymour, the Emperor of Earth.
‘Firstly,’ he said in a press conference yesterday, ‘I should probably introduce myself. My name is David and I’ve been running things up till now. Been keeping a bit of a low profile; sorry about that.
‘As for this asteroid thing… look… we’ve had a good innings, haven’t we? I don’t think we’ve got much to complain about. All good things, and all that.
‘So enjoy the time you’ve got left to you, according to your own lights. I suggest you go find someone wonderful you can sit softly with and basically hold their hand for a little while, yeah?
‘And that’s it really. I’m really sorry for buggering everything up. It wasn’t any politician’s fault, or corporation’s or capitalism or anything like that. It was me I’m afraid. All my fault.
‘So — really sorry, but it doesn’t really make much difference now does it?
‘Okay, bye then! Bye!’
When the news hit everyone, in the words of the UN general secretary, ‘went mental’; but already there are signs that the initial hoopla is beginning to calm down.
‘I snapped a bloody pencil when I heard,’ said Tim Smithers, ‘but I’ve come to terms with it now, and I think the next couple of years are going to be really nice actually.’
‘You know,’ said Sarah Smith, ‘it’s true what they say — you can only really love something that you know is going to pass away. Do they say that? perhaps they don’t, but it’s true, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, I found it a bit of a shock — first thing I did was set my house on fire,’ confessed Lord Mobius-Speerman, ‘but actually, it’s a relief.’
This sentiment was echoed all over the country, as people started chilling out in epic style. Vast amounts of not much seems to be going on everywhere.
‘Nobody is going to work,’ said the Prime Minister, ‘but that’s fine. I’m not. Always fancied learning to fence actually.’
The Queen announced that she was going to play the clarinet on the news tonight. Insider reports say that her majesty has been working on some heart-rendingly sad jazz numbers.
As for me, I’m hiking up to the arctic circle to find a really nice tree next to a river and just sit there.
So bye everyone. Bye. I love you all, I really do; and don’t worry about a thing. Its all going to be fine, it really is.