Tonight’s Teevee

16:00 Beethoven vs Dracula (Series 1 Finale): Beethoven and Dracula do triumphant battle in an orbiting space-station as Meatloaf watches on helplessly.

17:00 Papland: Pixar movie in which children, animals, women, aliens, madmen, plants, tools, boils and dropped bits of food think, speak and behave exactly like successful middle-class advertisers, ambitious scriptwriters and well-connected film directors.

19:00 Stand up Tragedy: Purifying weep-a-thon from the London Palladium, led by the most sorrowful stand-up tragics in the business.

20:00 The Fallopianics: Gameshow in which male contestants compete to win sex with beautiful women. Tonight: final hundred-metre samurai war dash to fifty waiting upturned bottoms.

20:30 Which One’s Real?: Panel show in which celebrity guests try to work out which of the world’s famous celebrities is in fact a CGI creation and has never in fact existed.

21:00 Grooming A Big Rabbit With… This week presenter Phil Schofield grooms a big Austrian Blue with national theatre director Peter Hall.

21:30 The End of Football: The last ever football match will be played, to decide, once and for all, who really is the best. The bleak yet triumphant mood will be emphasised by players entering the stadium on horse-back, dressed as early medieval knights.

23:15 Ha-ha-ha Look at the Morons!: Weekly documentary moral-laugh at poor, fat and unhappy people who clearly can’t cook very well.

23:45 Bits of the Nature that Look Like Beards: Educational documentary on patches of grass, catkins, dead-birds and the like that, at a distance or if squinting, could be mistaken for a beard.


Needless to say; more televisual bolus clinging to the back teeth of Belly Up!