Dog-Jesus Vision Grips Kent

übernews Jesus Christ, the most glorious prince of the heavenly armies, has manifested in the East Kent area as a dog. Witnesses reported a ‘charged, ionised, sense of imminence in the air’, followed by ‘crackles of lightening and bits of newspaper flying around’ before, in the words of Hector, a Dachshund from Broadstairs, ‘Lo! I beheld! the Son of Dog; sitting at the right hand of Dog’.

According to eyewitnesses the vision – said to be invisible to dog-atheists and dog-pagans – has brought to the dogs of East Kent a new covenant.

The Archbishop of Canterbury responded this morning with the following statement; ‘Yes, I believe this Dog is the King of the Jews. Why should the Lamb of God not appear as a Dog, specifically a basset-hound? First Jehovah reconciled man to God, and now he has reconciled dog to god. Cats will probably be next; or maybe he’ll appear as a loaf of bread like last time?’

Satan is said to be mastering a counter-offensive, but as yet nobody knows to which species he will appear, or in which administrative region.


EDINBURGH TATTOO TO FEATURE PILES OF CORPSES

This year’s Edinburgh military tattoo is to feature destitute orphans scouring a ravaged landscape, huge chunks of shattered utility infrastructure, crowds of displaced refugees and piles and piles of war-mutilated corpses. The organiser of the famous celebration of British military power, Lt Col. Forlan Sicknuts of Inch Kenneth, said that he accepted that such a break from tradition might upset some supporters of the spectacle, which is why, after the horrors of the first half of the show, Exxon Mobile, BP, Haliburtan, Glencore, Schlumberger and Cargill would take to the stage and spray the audience with 40,000 barrels of crude oil.


CAPITALISM TO DISSOLVE AFTER SATIRICAL COMMENT

Comedian Don Bay accidentally caused the end of capitalism last night. A routine he performed, during his stand-up show, about how our fabulous GNP will solace us during the environmental wipeout to come, was so incredibly amusing that the world’s elites, upon hearing of it, decided to just ‘not bother any more.’


OLYMPICS A DRAW

from the archives Nobody would have predicted the results of this year’s Olympics, least of all the participants, all of whom drew all their events in this year’s Olympics.

Speaking at the closing ceremony, IOC president Org Pistille asked the question on everyone’s minds, ‘how could every competitor be so evenly matched? I suppose,’ he added, almost to himself, ’it’s just one of those things’.

11,000 gold medals have been minted for the winners and a five kilometre-wide podium constructed for the awards ceremony, although reports are coming in that there might be delays as the doors of the Olympic village are all blocked with clumps of athletes who are all trying to walk through them at the same time.


Read much better stories than these in Belly Up!