1. The brown bruises on a banana are actually the result of self-harm.
  2. The opposite of bullshit is cowsmilk.
  3. Cavemen used volcanos to make lemonade.
  4. The amber crust you wake up with around your eyes, called ‘sleep,’ is literally, in fact, sleep in solid form.
  5. At least 34% of all tiny giants are actually enormous dwarves.
  6. The Mongolian for ‘cup’ is ‘hard bag to carry liquid short distance’
  7. Next to the pancreas, just under the liver are the ‘curry tanks’. Every three weeks these empty and need to be refilled with a curry, ideally tarka dhal, authentic vindail or some form of sag.

    Just above the meaningful-pause gland.
  8. Just as you put your ear to a shell and hear the sea, so too can you put your ear to the sea and hear a shell.
  9. 43% of parents say they only had children in order to have something to look at when the conversation runs dry.
  10. The opposite of real is optional.
  11. The first thing that 93% of CEOs, billionaires and politicians do when they get home after a day’s work, is rub their hands together, cackle maniacally and explain their ultimate plan to their SO.
  12. Rapid sideways motion, knees and ankles alternately twisting, shoulders, elbows and wrists rising and falling in a concatenated ripple, eyebrows alternating raised suggestively up with concentrated furrows has been scientifically proven to be the best way to approach 35% of all future anxiety.
  13. The length of your nose is exactly equal to the width of your smirk.
  14. The little knobbly things on top of a giraffe’s head are actually joysticks.

    They say it ‘takes the pressure off’.
  15. Russians have 37 different words for ‘rust’.
  16. You can make a word sound more October simply by saying it into a beaker.
  17. The very utterance of the word ‘cool’ leaves the speaker feeling slightly cooler.
  18. The vibrational energy that forms the word ‘Goodbye’ is the same that covers clean window panes in ghostly smears.
  19. If you leave a glass of water overnight it accrues strange bubbles. These are caused by hydrogen molecules snoring..
  20. A room full of Shakespeares on typewriters, will, in infinite time, end up beating their chests, swinging from the light fittings and going ‘ooh ooh ooh.’
  21. Both subtle paranoia and mild starvation can produce the notion that onions are ever so slightly watchful, ever so slightly ‘on to you’.
  22. 92% of you is everything else.
  23. There is no connection between pickles and jealousy.

    Proof
  24. People who talk too loudly never say anything worth overhearing.
  25. Intelligence is not what you know; but how you behave when you don’t know.
  26. Numbers and letters have an invisible rivalry similar to that of goats and sheep.
  27. Most vikings were actually extremely polite and sticklers for paperwork.
  28. 99.75% of all modern art is, in fact, shit.
  29. Only a tiny minority of humans can attest to the fact that rainbows smell of tequila.
  30. The earth is actually flat. And so are birds.
  31. One of Jane Austin’s hobbies was to flash her tits at passers by from her bedroom window.
  32. Prince William’s head is really a large hard-boiled egg.

By Darren Allen and William Barker. Read more such true things in Belly Up!