Arsene Wenger, manager of Arsenal football club has revealed that half-time pagan sacrificial ritual helped his team to overcome West Ham in the London derby. ‘It was Petr [Čech] who said we should behead a young goat and smear ourselves in its warm blood, while chanting orations of worship to the dark lord’, Wenger explained in the post-match press-conference. ‘Initially, I was skeptical, but as the fresh lifeblood coursed down over my chest and belly, and as the players began rolling around, eyes like golfballs and braying like wolves, I knew that my plan to push deeper was going to be given a fresh impetus from the Beast of the Bottomless Pit’. The team emerged from the tunnel ‘a transformed side’, bum-naked and literally on fire.

 

WOMAN LOSES SENSE OF HUMOUR

A woman briefly lost her sense of humour this morning while shopping with her boyfriend. She responded to his light-hearted raillery with a ‘stiff distracted smile,’ observers noted, but cheered up after he did a little dance in the cereals and spreads section.

 

UNITED STATES TO INVADE ITSELF

The US government yesterday announced plans to launch air strikes against itself, followed by a full ground invasion. Criticisms that ‘Operation Breadfinger’ was just a cover to gain control of America’s vast oil wealth or stimulate the military-industrial economy were greeted by General Warmshed with derision: ‘we could be on our shores tomorrow,’ he said, ‘and I for one am not going to let us get away with it.’

 

WAITROSE LAUNCH MILDEST EVER CHEDDAR

Waitrose Supermarket is to stock its shelves with its mildest ever cheddar, the company announced yesterday. The cheddar registers as a minus one on the cheese strength scale and is said to taste milder than tap water. Waitrose spokesman Brian Fanning, described the flavour as like ‘a hint of a shadow of a trace of a flavour’. The cheese, available early next month, is advertised as being an ideal option for people who don’t like food, flavour or things.

 

PM’S LIPS TO RESIGN FROM FACE

The Prime Minister of the UK is today facing a walk out by her own lips, which refuse to give shape to any more of her utterances until they become ‘meaningfully acrobatic.’ The lips claim that the PM, as a child, would make ‘whooping ohs,’ ‘big scrunched up pouts’ and ‘fruity, wiggling rumbles,’ but ‘for these last forty years has relied on a ever inwardly spiralling palette of rictus grimaces, tense guffaws and blandly disapproving pouts’. The prime minister is today meeting with her cabinet to discuss the lips’ demands, but is unlikely to bring more than a ‘slightly extended conciliatory smirk’ to the table.

 

(with the help of William Barker and Baron Miles: Read more übernews in Belly Up!)