The Belly Up! Sex Guide

Position Number 3: THE JUPITER MOONS

The Jupiter Moons is a two day-long sex position, initiated and orchestrated by the male, who, for four or five evenings, must ready his psyche by lulling his good lady to sleep by reading her thick, sinuous classical love poetry (John Donne, Lord Byron, etc.) and, when she is dreaming, channelling down blue healing beams from Arcturia which he transmits into her respiring bone-marrow. Upon waking every day, both politely applaud each other before spending the day in gentle, non-digital activities, eating lightly and bowing a great deal; to each other and to objects that provide a service, such as taps and matches.

On day six, both drive (on an empty stomach) to a remote cabin, miles from any road, and ingest 2.5 grams of psilocybe cubensis or similar (60 mg of mdma optional).

Walk around for 40 minutes or so, inspecting shrubs, insects and the like, until everything becomes giddy, yawping and ‘a bit much’, and instincts to take your clothes off, press your beaming faces into the mud and awk-awk-awk in peacock ecstasies become impossible to ignore.

Obey all these instincts instantly and then, after the hectic subsides, wander around for a bit in stunned morphic amazement at the writhing ecstasy of matter and the impossible suchness of each other, before sitting naked on a comfortable warm rock with your buttocks touching, talking quietly, until you merge into a perfect, uniform, being of light, blended at the bums.

As this point, turn around and, breathing very deeply, make love in the normal manner, but with excruciating slowness, slower and slower, until you both realise, with astonished-docked joy, that the two of you have become all 67 of Jupiter’s moons.

Remain orbiting for a further 48 hours.*


Read of all twelve recommended sex positions in Belly Up! Part One


Note that, if you are not both actually in love with each other, The Jupiter Moons has a very real possibility of turning into The Seven Archbishops of Hell.

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