Anger Subroutine

I once asked a computer programmer friend of mine why he was angry. This is what he wrote back to me:

{LatestBlamee = DeduceFrom (LastBlamee);
If LatestBlamee = ‘ME’ Then
{CatasrophicallyIncreaseAngerMomentarily;
LatestBlamee = JumpToRandomBlamee:}
Else ShowConsciousMind (LatestBlamee); If LatestBlamee =
SomeoneConvenient Then TargetFoulThought At (LatestBlamee);
LastBlamee = LatestBlamee;}
Loop;

 

BODILY ENHANCEMENTS

I’ve had awful problems with my sinuses for a while now. Massive pressure behind eyeballs. Makes me think the body is not optimally designed. Where is the ‘third nostril’, with spigot, for releasing sinus pressure? And why don’t women, being physically less powerful, have a wasp-sting? And why isn’t there a bypass gut-channel, for when you are full up but fancy a muffin anyway? And what about a telescopic middle finger for fishing out dropped trinkets from ponds? And enhanced night vision — surely not an unreasonable request? And I don’t see why we couldn’t photosynthesise from time to time or have flute-like chiming burps. And, while I’m on the subject, why don’t we have two voice boxes, to self harmonise with? And look, I’m not being ungrateful, I like my body, I really do, but is a powerful tail really too much to ask? Okay, okay, I’ll settle for bio-luminescent hair, talons and an ovipositor that lays biscuits.

Such was my thinking at 11pm last night. Now I just want my headache to go away. No coincidence perhaps that today is International Thank Your Legs Day. Have you thanked your legs yet? Or your teeth? Or the migraine you don’t have? Or your pillow for that matter? Or your hot water? Or your wife’s bottom? Life does have a tendency to take things away you take for granted (I’ve lost two wives’ bottoms already), but that doesn’t mean you should thank with a wary cling. Enjoy the thank. Rock the thank.