breaking übernews Teresa May in a press-conference yesterday made a heartfelt appeal to the British public to share more. ‘Why do we all feel compelled to have our own axe, our own car, our own land… why?’ she asked the assembled press, clenching her fists and gnashing her teeth.
‘I mean,’ she went on, ‘I know that economies of scale and the monolithic parasite we call ‘the market’ demand we don’t share our stuff, know our neighbours, or give away our land to local communities. Sure, the whole blinking system would crash into the Atlantic if we started taking care of each other and giving away what we don’t need — I understand all that,’ May cried, desperation and passion rising in her throat.
‘But, for the love of goodness,’ she whispered, ‘for the love of humanity, isn’t it time we turned this ship around? Isn’t it time we began building from the bottom up? Isn’t it time we banished money?’
The assembled press gasped. Did she really just say that?
‘You see,’ May continued, ‘I’ve been thinking about this, and it seems to me that one of the greatest barriers to really living together — working and playing together — is that we don’t need each other. How can you have a community if you can buy your food, your entertainment, your child-care, your grandparent-care or even your identity on the market? You can’t, can you? We have to completely dismantle this diabolic, reality-dispensing slot-machine if we’re going to put our society back together ourselves. I just… I just can’t see any other way around it.’
‘It’s for this reason,’ she said, pulling herself together, and fishing out from her handbag a small remote controlled device with a big red button on it, ‘that I have decided to blow up the London exchange, the Bank of England, Her Majesty’s treasury and, just to be sure, the national grid. All the buildings have been evacuated on a pretext, nobody will be harmed — just the money economy. Everyone ready?’
‘Yeah!’ cried the press, throwing their dictaphones and little notepads up in the air as the Kocani Orkestar marched in and started playing ‘Siki Siki Baba’.
‘Mammon go Boom-Boom!’ squealed May, detonating the bombs and clapping her hands together like a little girl.
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