breaking übernews Welsh scientists have finally succeeded in crossing Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and a Tyrannosaurus Rex to create, in the words of professional geneticist Huw Blake in a press-conference yesterday, ‘the penultimate in pure evil.’
When asked ‘why not the ultimate?’ Blake explained that the head looked a little bit comical, ‘but it turned out to be a short step to the ultimate solution — we just put a Darth Vader helmet on it, and bingo!’
‘The thing is,’ said Blake, ‘just as it’s not enough for the press to help the oppressed, they have to exalt them, so, in the same way, it’s not enough to criticise oppressors, they have to be a source of absolute horror. The point is not that Trump or Putin is or is not monstrous, it’s that we need to have a monster; we’ve needed one ever since the devil fell out of fashion — and now we do. A really big one.’
Politicians and journalists across the democratic west are overjoyed that the ultimate in evil now exists and is rampaging across the world assembling nuclear arsenals, killing Mexicans, fixing Ukrainian referendums, destroying the environment and doing all kinds of other bad things to good people.
Belly Up! caught up this afternoon with Baron Anthony William Hall, of Birkenhead, director-general of the BBC and life-peer, and asked him to comment on the new unspeakable beast.
‘Oh yes,’ said Hall, ‘this really is THE bad guy. It’s all his fault. The melting ice-caps, the poor in India, the lot.’
‘But he was only created a few weeks ago. How could he have caused these problems?’ we asked.
‘I’m sorry to differ with you,’ said Baquet, with creepy serenity, ‘Darth Vladitrumposaurus Rex has always been to blame for global warming and world poverty. I should know, I’ve always been here.’
Hall fixed us with his steady gaze.
‘He must be defeated of course,’ he went on, ‘There is absolutely no question that if the good guys don’t get together to eradicate this monster, democracy will be quite literally eaten.’
‘Well, who are the good guys?’ we asked.
‘We are obviously, the BBC, The Guardian, the New York Times, The Washington Post, the Democrats and the PLP of the Labour Party.’
‘And how do you know you’re good?’
‘Because we’re against Darth Vladitrumposaurus Rex.’ whispered Hall, staring at us straight in the damned eye.
Blake and the team are said to be working on crossing Kim Jong-un, Nigel Farage and Genghis Khan with Nemesis the Warlock.
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