breaking news The British Government’s moves last year to ban ‘non-conventional sex-acts’ in pornography were, as activists and civil-rights protesters feared, just a warm-up act for more wide-ranging powers of censorship and repression. Belly Up! has learnt that the Home Office is set to move from spanking, weeing, classic Brazilian fart-porn and non-standard use of farm machinery into ‘the highly unusual and subversive’ act of beautiful love-making.

‘From henceforth making soft, connected, devoted love with one’s partner, moving slowly, with the light on, saying ‘I love you, I love you so, so much’ while weeping cleansing tears of joy, shattering the ego in outrageous room-wrecking passion, having half-hour long orgasms which produce a range of moos, gobbles, yawps, roars and soaring arias and melting into a state of almost terrifying nothingness in which the universe itself seems to be pouring the very source of gladness out through your fused bodyminds into the river of the world… will be illegal,’ said Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, breathlessly. ‘It’s bad enough having sick, rampant fuckporn swilling around our country like so much off-milk, but for couples to bypass their porn-instincts entirely and touch the infinite in a state of sublime devotion to the unnameable is just about as weird and unproductive as a thing can be. We’re going to come down on such love like a tonne of realistic bricks.’

It has long been known that the British authorities were targeting beautiful love-making. Recently declassified MI6 files from the late 1960s introduced the news-reading public to ‘Operation Massive Cheeseball’ which saw implanted operatives infiltrating the genuine underground of the heart, posing as hippies, yogis, sannyasins and dropouts, behaving like irresponsible morons while overusing expressions such as ‘unconditional love’, ‘making love’, ‘supra-sexual penis-consciousness’ and ‘the obliterating transdimensional divine vagina’ in order to make these expressions, and many like them, sound like the wishy-washy mind-snot of feckless bums. The files declare ‘Cheeseball’ to have been a resounding success — even more effective than ‘Operation Socialist Hedgetrimmer’ in the 1930s.

Critics are worried that banning beautiful love-making will open the flood-gates for a series of similar measures designed to curb unprofessional, wealth-minimising, non-rational activities. ‘You’ll see; idle, aimless, feckless strolling will be next,’ said Transcendent body-activist and secret velvet priestess, Sarah Shrist, ‘followed by refusing work, talking to your neighbours, mastering sumi-e, living off-grid, non-stop cabarets of live funk and naked billiards’.

It’s hard to believe that our country’s long tradition of naked billiards could ever be targeted by a British government, but it could happen.